This is the hardest post I have ever written
a post I thought I would never have to write.
Yet here I am writing it.
About to finally share my personal shadows that I have been battling.
That many of you have been assuming.
I know there is power in our testimonies but our testimonies first come from experience, first come from heart break and pain, first come from working through inner child wounds and really difficult conversations, and doing all this in the silence behind the scenes of what the world sees of all the blessings and beauty God has been able to move in my life in spite of it all because of my faithfulness to Christ regardless of the darkness I am facing.
Truth is this is my life.
I dont owe anyone an explanation for my decisions or what I am personally going through and neither do you. With that being said there is power in vulnerability and sharing the darkness we are personally facing when we do so in Divine timing.
Divine timing is now for me.
With all this being said it’s time to come out and be transparent about the fact that my husband and I have decided it is best to go our separate ways. He is now back in Morocco with his family and has been for a while.
This has been a long road to this decision. Hardest trials I have faced in my life coming to the realization that Love alone isn’t enough. And love alone isn’t unconditional love. For unconditional love includes every fruit of the spirit and if all are not in alignment then love alone will never sustain itself. For those who have been following my journey a long time you watched as we fell in love over social media and traveled the world to meet each other. Our love story is truly magical and the memories and love we shared together have shaped me into the wombman I am today I don’t regret our story or the journey we have gone through for it is also our trials that have shaped and molded me into the wombman I am today.
Through this entire journey I was only brought back to the love of Jesus Christ who wrapped me in his embrace when I was on my knees weeping in child’s pose. How beautiful he meets me so many times in child’s pose, so many revelations of inner child wounds are meet through vulnerability. Meeting Christ in my brokenness... in my shame... in my guilt... in my failure... Trying to make something work for so long because of the fairytale it was till happily ever after. Christ took me in my brokenness and gave me purpose. The amount of joy I felt through my sorrows, peace I felt through my pain, strength I felt through my weakness my whole life every broken moment it has always been and will always be Jesus Christ and it is he who is the fairytale love in which we are all seeking and he radiates soul deeply within, awakens a fire and a knowing that is just unexplainable and the more and more I continued to seek out his spirit inside of me the clearer and clearer it became that my husband and I were on 2 different paths.
I saw a quote the other day from someone anonymous and it hit home for me and it is the quote I shared here. It said don’t fall in love with someone’s flowers. Fall in love with their roots.
The flowers are the hobbies, personality, physical and sexual attraction, places you travel, things you have, food you like....
Roots are the morals, spiritual practices, inner child wounds, how they process emotions, shadows they need to confront, battles they have and continue to face and demons that they are battling because the demons in our partners become our demons to battle as well. We all have our darkness we face. And I’m calling darkness what it is not every entity serving Lucifer is a demon but we ALL have demons that have been sent to steal kill and destroy Gods light inside of us. It’s important you deeply know the darkness of your partner but more importantly you should know it by the light they shine on it not the light you shine on it.
Ooo..
I like that 😎
Sometimes I say something and I am like .. ooo you go glen coco 👌🏼😂🤷🏻♀️🙏🏼
I like writing in this space because I can just flow I dont have to worry about how many words I can have but I can just get out my thoughts. I dont even care who is reading this because this space is mine and it is really empowering to speak my full truth. Writing this now is empowering. Getting out what has been inside alchemizing, and processing for so long and being free to voice what has been burning me inside. I have nothing but love in my heart for Zak and he has nothing but love in his heart for me. I will not be using this post to bash or blame him for anything I want nothing but the best for him and he wants nothing but the best for me. I find it sad that this truth makes people think we should make our marriage work, that you have to be to the point of absolute hatred towards each other before it’s justified. Isn’t being unhappy in the depths of your spirit enough? Isn’t knowing that the relationship you are in isn’t serving your highest truth in your life NOW enough? because now is all we have. I am not going to give my now to anything that is not serving my spirit on this journey. As I step into this new chapter of truly finding myself through Jesus Christ and exploring the world with my family on my boat, after spending over a year and a half alchemizing all these really dark emotions, feelings and energies that come with the decision to do what is hard for what my spirit knows is right has strengthened me in ways that I can not even begin to express. I found myself in the depths of darkness and what I found was Christ. Not Christ the Hueman I have known him my whole life. I am talking about his spirit inside. I am talking about the energy of all life binding everything and everyone together. I found the Creator of the heavens and the earth living and breathing inside of me in my shame, in my brokenness, in my darkness. There he was.
Wow.
His power has sought me through the moments where I couldn’t anymore.
The spiritual community loves to say that “you are all you need” but what about the times when you fail? When you are exhausted? When anxiety cripples you as you shake uncontrollably? When you are at your wits end and you just can’t anymore... you hit your bottom... When you proved to yourself that you are not all you need? how humbling it is to awaken to the fact that alone... I’ll never be all I need, for alone I will hit bottom again.
Truth is we are not all we need if we were then we wouldn’t be seeking for anything at all.
But we are all seeking.
We seek because we know we are apart of something greater.
We seek because we eventually let ourselves down or will be let down and deep down we know we are connected to a Source that never does.
For it is not my power alone but that of Christ’s power inside of me.
I am not all I need Christ is all I need but Christ isn’t found seeking outwardly anywhere. For he has placed his kingdom within us all.
What blows my mind so much about the Unconditional Love of our God is how in his perfection he meets us in our imperfections.
That right there is the exact opposite of every religion.
To use our weakness for his strength.
To take what is broken and make it new
To take what is sick and heal it whole
For there is no sin or darkness too deep for the love of Christ to light up in his glory and to experience this love for yourself all you have to do is ask 🙏🏼❤️✨
So here I am in child’s pose feeling the weight of the world, not knowing what the future holds, not knowing how I was going to share with the world the ending of my fairytale story and there Christ was holding me. Bringing me back to the present moment.
My breath.
Through each inhale and exhale breathing with me.
So much Rememberance.
What is for me will always find me.
We can only love to the capacity in which we can love ourselves.
The capacity to Love ourselves is found in knowing what Unconditional Love is.
To Know Unconditional Love is to Know Jesus Christ.
Most people talk about Jesus but don’t actually know him. I can tell the ones who do by their fruits.
Truth is my marriage wasn’t producing fruit. It wasn’t producing fruit because Christ may have been the center of my life but it wasn’t the center of our relationship. Reading the scriptures of talking about being equally yoked is something that hits really differently now. Brings me back to that saying fall in love with someone’s roots not their flowers.
Once upon a time I fell in love with the flowers and neglected the roots and because of that I went through a season of trials and death. But what you are witnessing now is my rebirth. What you are seeing now is a Phoenix rising from the ashes unafraid and unashamed of the journey she has walked to step into the fire that is she today.
For every ending comes a new beginning.
And this is mine.
✨⚔️🔥
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